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| Registered: March 14, 2007 | Reputation:  |  Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | President Zuma meets with the Queen of England . He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Zuma frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and Father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back in Cape town , President Zuma asks to speak with Julius Malema. "Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Julius. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Julius goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up at the V&A Waterfront and bumps into Mark Lottering. Julius looks around to see if anyone can overhear them, and he whispers, Mark! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Mark whispers back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Julius smiles and says "Thanks!"
Julius goes back to Parliament to speak with Pres Zuma. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Mark Lottering."
Zuma gets up, stomps over to Julius, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!" | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | A little boy goes to his mum one evening and asks here where we come from and she replies that we come from Adam and Eve, who were made by God. He thanks her and goes off to ponder this. A few days later, still not sure, he asks his father the same question and he responds that we are descended from the apes that evolved into man. Now thoroughly confused, he goes back to his mum and tells her this. She responds that it is all a matter of perspective and that she was talking about her side of the family………….. | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!!!" | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | My 1 day employment
So after landing my new job as an Edgars greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Edgars. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Edgars.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Jane got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.. Bob was killed in a factory accident 12 years later.
Jane again remarried and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Jane finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel...." | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: May 27, 2007 |  Posts: 691 |
| | Posted: | | | | I like them Caroline. | | | | Unfortunately, I can't use DVDprofiler at the moment due to lack of a Windows computer. |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13 . Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.. | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Even if you didn't grow up Catholic, you'll appreciate this one....
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'.."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well......?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, well endowed, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God." | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Jack was attending his biker club's monthly meeting, and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go. After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies, Jack left to go back home to his wife.
When Jack's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Jack! There he was; sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, with the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Jack?"
"I didn't have to" was Jack's reply. "When I left the meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
"So here I am!" | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 | | Reputation: |  Posts: 5,494 |
| | Posted: | | | | ( An old one but a Good One.. ) 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'  | | | In the 60's, People took Acid to make the world Weird. Now the World is weird and People take Prozac to make it Normal.
Terry |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 |  Posts: 1,796 |
| | Posted: | | | | A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile
phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd
be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving
what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to
get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup
of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your
shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been
languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you
ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he
will now be your career!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's
dead. Show me what you bought.' | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own.
Ineptocracy, You got to love it.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 5,494 |
| | Posted: | | | | | | | In the 60's, People took Acid to make the world Weird. Now the World is weird and People take Prozac to make it Normal.
Terry |
| | Registered: May 27, 2007 | | Posts: 691 |
| | Posted: | | | | A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store..
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. | | | | Unfortunately, I can't use DVDprofiler at the moment due to lack of a Windows computer. | | | | Last edited: by EdwinK |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Quoting EdwinK: Quote:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store..
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to Bugger off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!! | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the littl e girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?
Because you got an F in sex.' | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
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